Cordial!

Today I've made 1 1/2 batches of elderflower cordial for the wedding using my friend's recipe.

40-60 heads elderflower
2 kg sugar
2 litres water
2 lemons
25 g citric acid

1. Remove as much green as possible from the flowers.
2. Bring water, sugar and lemon juice to the boil then turn off the heat.
3. Add citric acid.
4. Add elder flowers.
5. Leave for 4 days.
6. Strain into bottles.
7. Sterilise bottled cordial and tighten lids.

It got me to thinking about what other flowers I could use for cordials when I have a bit more time. Thoughts so far: gorse, honeysuckle, lime flowers... and a vast swathe of fruity things come glut season.

Mentorship

I think I've decided I need a mentor - someone outside my PhD remit who I respect and who cares about my personal development, not just my productivity at work. This was highlighted by reading this thought-provoking blog post entitled 'overmanaged and underled': a common problem in many workplaces, and certainly how I'm feeling right now. A comment on the article read:

I was very lucky in my career to have had several great leaders... The qualities that all of these folks had were common among all of them. They cared about me and my development, they continually acted in a consistent manner, they did not put their careers before anyone else, and they made sure that folks below them knew who they were by making their presence known. They didn’t just walk around telling people what to do (although that is appropriate at times) but they also encouraged their people and showed a genuine interest in what they were doing.

This is definitely what I aspire to, when I finally make it back to the world of work!

Holmes-Rahe stress event testymajig

Ok, so it's 15 days to the wedding, and I'm feeling pretty stressed out right now, so I just took the Holmes-Rahe stress event test to see how bad it is. Scores below 150 indicate low levels of stress, 150-300 moderate, and 300+ severe. My score was 507 - with a 90% chance of developing a serious illness in the next 2 years. W00t. I wonder if there's some evidence of God in the fact that I've not had a mental breakdown yet!

I have however taken more time of sick this year than I ever have in my life - and felt massively guilty about it too. I'm sure the test is fallible, but finding out that I have a stress score WAY above what is considered serious makes me feel a bit less bad about feeling run-down, stressed out and generally not that productive at work. Ticking so many boxes on the test has made me realise the burden I'm carrying around day-to-day, like the junk lady in Labyrinth. The thing is, like her it's behind me so I don't generally see it.


It's also made me feel a bit angry at the lack of sympathy I've received from my supervisors over my feelings of being stressed and overwhelmed. I feel I didn't get much guidance at the start of my course (just a lot of conflicting information from my 5 supervisors), but I have still managed to be happy and productive much of the time. Perhaps they don't realise much of what's going on in my life - or perhaps those sorts of things don't affect them so much so they don't empathise - or perhaps they really do feel that I shouldn't be letting these things affect my work.

Humpf.

Life vs. PhD...

I don’t know if it’s the development of my faith, getting married, or simply my growing up, but I find that I’m caring less and less about my scientific ‘career’. The idea of pushing back the boundaries of science seems just tedious now, rather than challenging and exciting. I am concerned for my PhD – at this rate I’ll be lucky if I survive my transfer (from MPhil to PhD) at the one-year-in mark.

The trouble is that while I enjoy the challenge and stimulation of science, I just don’t like the atmosphere in academia. I jumped the rat race to come back to uni and do what I love, only to find that I’ve inadvertently entered a different race altogether. Due to some recent soul-searching I’ve decided that I don’t want to do the whole post-doc thing and am happy to steer well clear of academia in favour of a role in the third sector somewhere.

During one of our essential tea breaks the other day I was discussing this decision with my lab buddy, who raised an interesting point: doing a PhD as a career stepping stone is a fairly new concept – previously you would do a doctorate as a route into a university career, whereas now there are an increasing number of people doing higher and higher degrees simply to prove themselves a better candidate in the job market. With so many BSc/BA graduates flooding the marketplace, how best to stand out? Do a master’s degree. How best to really stand out? Do a PhD.

This raises a number of problems for the ‘job-minded’ PhD student, as I am concerned that my supervisor may be trying to ‘toughen us up’ for a career in academia, and while hurling review papers and criticism at us will provide us with some very useful skills, they make day to day life quite trying at times. I am also concerned that I’ve entered into a workplace I do not have the correct skill set to survive in. Am I clever enough? Certainly. Can I manage my time? Absolutely. Do I grasp abstract concepts quickly? If I’m given the necessary background information.

But what I don’t have is the obsession with my work, the willingness to work evenings and weekends as a matter of course. And I really, really don’t understand scientific writing. I also don’t have the opportunity to exercise some of what I consider to be my stronger talents – communicating science to the public, supporting other people, negotiating, writing informational documents, working as a team. (N.B. I don’t know how much of this is specific to my lab, but then it’s the only one Ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif know, and the one that I attend every day.)

I read an article by Kathy Weston entitled “How not to succeed in academia” recently, which is what has focussed my concern over my perception on life:

“My obsession with my work declined as normal life seeped in: I got married, learned to ride horses and play the cello, looked after aging parents, and nixed all hope of redemption by having two children in my late 30s and realizing they were far more interesting than what I was doing at work”

Sadly, this is exactly how I’m feeling at the moment (save for the kids, having not reached that stage yet!). Having gone through a very, very trying period of my life (including family breakdown, caring for grandparents with rapidly deteriorating health, the break-up of a long term relationship, and finally relocation to re-start my career) I was forced to grow up, and eventually accept myself. And once I had rid myself of some insecurities, and actually began to enjoy life, I’m worried that I’ve discovered that life outside the lab is far more interesting that life inside.