Cohabitation

Blog posts seem to be like buses. I go without one for ages then loads of inspiration hits at once. Maybe it's tied to stress levels, or the lack of them.

Anyway. Tomorrow Jon and I will have been together for 10 months. Somehow, there's still no sex. Proud doesn't eeeeven begin to cover it. However, things have shifted oddly recently as we both get increasingly frustrated to have our own places, but with him working for a charity, and me doing a PhD it ain't gonna happen just yet. I turn 27 in two days' time and am currently living with a family from church in a small room that looks messy if I put my backpack on the floor when I get in.

I feel I need to review my reasons for abstinence. At first it was because I didn't want to give it to someone I didn't know that well, and certainly not before I knew I loved them. Well, I feel I know Jon pretty well now, and I certainly love him. That's not the issue any more, which is why I feel I need to think this through again. To be honest there's a large part of me that thinks that, having waited this long, we may as well wait until such a time when it's worth those moths of difficulty. For me, that means realising the fantasy of waiting until my wedding night. Doing things properly.

I really can't believe I've become so old fashioned. Maybe I just need to be unconventional, no matter what the convention is. I think a large part of this is simply stubbornness though - as I said, we've waited this long, it seems hard to put all that to waste! In a conversation with my brother (who I believe is pro-waiting) he thought I was mad to not want to live with someone before marriage, but the idea of living with someone and not having sex is just mental. How the hell would you do that?! I'd rather save it all for one massive exciting lump-payment myself. The marriage-sex-cohabitation cash prize :-p

I can say a lot for abstaining though. It's hard, don't get me wrong. Having never had a relationship with no sex before, there really is a gaping hole where sex normally goes. But the thing is that the gap gets filled with conversation and actually getting to know your partner. If you can get through tough times without resorting to physicality I think it makes you much stronger. I'm not saying the gap isn't still there, but I know that the relationship around it is much more firmly grounded. When we do get around to it, it will be done in love, not the product of pent up hormones and insecurity (and as a woman I am very aware of the trap of 'securing' a man's affections through sex).

So, in conclusion - abstinence: difficult, but rewarding if you're looking for a solid, long-term, loving relationship!

Results day!

Today I get the result of my MSc. I yesterday made the mistake of asking our departmental secretary yesterday where I stood and discovered that I had not obtained the somewhat mediocre result required from my research project to carry me to a distinction overall, and so am predicted a merit.

This took me aback, as I honestly thought that with all the skills I've developed over the course of this year, I would be able to obtain more than a crummy 66% for my project (DISCLAIMER: at the beginning of the year I would not have considered that this mark was anything but acceptable - certainly not crummy - but having spent the past 12 months getting 75% for my work, 66 seems a blow). I have not achieved in the top echelon since my GCSEs 10 years ago – no A's at A-level, not even close to a first for my BSc. I feel I've had a glimpse at the top, but am just not good enough to be there.

The 66% is made all the harder for two reasons: firstly, I've done two research projects already for my BSc, the first in my year in industry, during which I cut my teeth, learned a ton and got a reasonable 62% for. Applying all this acquired knowledge I then managed a whopping 64% for my final year project. Whoop. Two more percent. And now two more. The second reason this is hard is that I'm now subscribed to do a PhD. Thank goodness I won't need scientific writing skills for that! I just don't understand why I'm not improving that much, and given the massive learning curve I've been on this year, and the mediocre grade I've managed from it – I'm not sure I ever will.

The one thing that makes a merit easier to accept is that my course mates are outraged on my behalf, and don't seem to like the idea of me 'only' getting a merit. This got me thinking – which is the more important? Granted academic success is important for my chosen path (in academia...) but ultimately this year I decided, against the background of a number of family issues, that life was more important. If I graduate with a merit and an average of 68.9% I can at least take with me the fact that I have had a life this year. I have made a number of friends, earned the respect of my colleagues and seemingly impressed my supervisors sufficiently that they are both impressed with my research (outside of my actual writeup), and apparently deemed me smart enough to do a PhD.

At the end of the day, I know that what's the most important is that I've led a good life this year, and been respectful and helpful to other people. At the end of the day, percentage points will not, on their own, make me happy. And what good is it to gain the world, but forfeit your soul...

Ah, but I still want that 0.6%!!