Introspection

I’m having a funny few days. Yesterday I was in the foulest of moods, mainly I think because of the vile weather. Today I’m just very pensive. I’ve spent time organising files that are ages old, and I hope when I’m next home I can find the CDs that contain my other writings from before 2007. I certainly remember writing a lot during my final year as I came to terms with my relationship with Tom ending, and working out where it left me.

I’ve also spent time today doing a diagram of ‘my life’ trying to work out how things were different prior to all the business with dad. Something that has really stuck out is how my periods of introspection are important in grounding me. These are the times I write. They are also the times when, even if everything is utterly shit, I remember my situation fondly. They are the times when I feel able to be at home in my surroundings. You can only truly wallow in your own grief if you feel safe and secure. When I was home at Christmas in my final year, and after graduation and dad had gone I had a number of sleepless nights. But it’s these I remember well. I remember going downstairs to make myself hot chocolate and scotch pancakes, and maybe a whiskey. Then bringing them up to my room and curling up in my bed with Boudi, the fan heater on, and reading or writing – with Boudi pestering me for pancake!

So much has happened in my life. At some points it has felt like a soap opera; especially the few years over my college education, with the witchcraft and dad’s affair. I somehow want to reclaim my life from before all of the drama, but encompassing the experience I have gained since then. I look at my life when I was 12/13 and it was stable – very stable – but then I had no idea of all the stuff under the surface. My life was also very boring. Friday nights consisted of choir practice, and then, when I moved on from that, Robots Wars, Frasier and Friends. I only started ‘going out’ when I was 15, before that I had no life to speak of. Now I go out several times every week. In addition to going out ‘on the weekend’ I go out on Tuesdays for badminton and the library, Wednesdays to home group, and Thursdays to do something with Jon – in addition to any ad hoc invitations to dinner or events, and work! And providing food for myself every day of the week. To be honest, it’s not surprising I feel my mental capacity is lower – there’s so much more for me to worry about now!